Becoming Me, Without Leaving Her

Somewhere between her needs and mine…
I started learning how to hold both.

The struggle is real…
but so is the love, the learning, and everything unfolding in between.
Something has shifted.
Now, I take time for myself—
a quiet coffee, a simple meal.
The guilt still shows up sometimes…
but it doesn’t control me the way it used to.

I’ve started saying yes… and no.
Sometimes for her,
Sometimes for me.
I’ve started accepting the repetitive meals—
because she loves them.
I make sure her meals are simple and nourishing—nothing fancy, just what her little body needs to grow.
And maybe that’s enough.
Not everything needs to be new
to be meaningful.
Sometimes, we sit and watch something together—
not as a distraction,
but as a small moment of connection.
I am learning to say yes to myself too.
Sometimes when she sleeps.
Sometimes while she plays on her own.
It’s not perfect.
It’s not always planned.
But it’s something.

She’s 1.5 years old now—
she understands more,
reacts more.
And somehow,
that has made things a little easier.
There’s a gentle rhythm to our days now.
A loose routine that holds us together.
Of course, there are still ups and downs.
But I’ve started managing—
by letting go,
by diverting,
by trying again.

When she throws a tantrum,
sometimes I let her feel it.
And then I sit with her,
meet her eyes,
and speak to her calmly.
Sometimes she understands.
Sometimes she doesn’t—
especially when she is hungry or tired.
On those days,
I pause and remind myself—
Just do what helps her settle today.
You tried your best.
And I believe it now.
I trust myself more.
I go to play areas and parks now—
I teach her, show her things, and enjoy those moments with her.
I’m not just watching anymore.
I’m part of it too.
There are days when she refuses food.
Instead of forcing it, I teach her how to say no politely, and I listen to her—her own sense of hunger and fullness.
I pause and wait.
She eats again when her body is ready.
It’s okay if she skips a meal sometimes.
We all have days like that.
Her meals are messy—
but they are hers.
I let her explore,
eat on her own,
while gently teaching her along the way—
to pick up what falls,
to eat mindfully,
to grow slowly.

Sometimes I say no…
on days when she is learning boundaries.
On days when she keeps asking for junk.
On days when she is simply testing limits.

Self-growth is a need too.
I don’t want resentment
to quietly build inside me.
I don’t want to wake up one day
feeling like I disappeared
while trying to give her everything.
So I find small reasons to smile.
To laugh with her.
To make these days feel full.
And somewhere in all this…
I see it clearly now.
How such a small person
can hold so much of your world—
your emotions, your energy, your heart.
And still…
I am finding myself again.
Stronger.
Softer.
More capable than I thought.

All the fears…
don’t just feel less heavy anymore—
I can hardly believe how far I’ve come in overcoming them.
Not only am I learning to embrace motherhood with beauty,
but I am also growing as a person
while still trying to pursue my own life.

Slowly, I am learning to accept my feelings,
and my identity—
learning to live as myself, not only as a mother, wife, daughter, or daughter-in-law.
Not forgetting the younger me, and her desires.
I choose small things for myself too—
five more minutes on my phone,
a short nap,
laughing at silly things,
doing my favorite hobby on some days,
pampering myself on some days.
Because love is needed to love someone.
You cannot run empty.

I am no longer choosing between her and me.

I am learning to exist fully… as both.

— Arwa

HerAtlas